This is the most interesting article on pumpkin seeds and testosterone you’ll ever read…

The story below, although fiction, is entertaining and will spice up the whole “pumpkin seeds, testosterone” discussion. 

Enjoy!
– Joe LoGalbo

November 22, 2017.
Palatine, Illinois.

After years of the scandal surrounding Major League Baseball’s super sluggers, it seems that a former bat-boy is now coming forward with concealed information about how these stars got so strong…

20-years since his tenure as a bat-boy for the St. Louis Cardinals (2 years), Chicago Cubs (2 years) and San Francisco Giants (1 year), Jimmy Bunt, 31, has confirmed the widespread use of, what superstars call, “The Seeds.”

“McGwire was chewing on something at Wrigley Field on the day he broke the record,” explained Bunt…

“So I asked him what it was. He leaned over, grabbed his 35oz Rawlings, and said, ‘Pumpkin seeds.’Then he knocked number 62 over the wall. I couldn’t believe it.”

Bunt recalled years later seeing a bag of pumpkin seeds sitting next to Barry Bonds’ glove in the dugout.

“I couldn’t help but ask,” said Bunt. “Did McGwire tell you about those?”

“‘What, the seeds?’ he replied.

I nodded.

Then Bonds said with a smirk, ‘That’s our secret,’ followed by a wink and his pointer finger pressed against his lips. That’s when I knew the seeds were the real deal.”

Research has shown that these scandalous pumpkin seeds are packed with testosterone boosting properties that can easily put some power behind a swing.

Pumpkin seeds contain a long forgotten nutrient called zinc, a necessary lever for pumping testosterone throughout one’s body.

Without it, your testosterone levels will plummet.

In fact, a low amount of zinc can drop testosterone levels lower than Michael Jordan’s batting average in a matter of weeks which can have serious side effects at the plate.

“After McGwire and Bonds told me the secret to their strength, I began to take note of what players clearly ate pumpkin seeds and which ones didn’t,” said Bunt.

“If (Tony) Gwynn Jr. or (Cal) Ripken Jr. had chewed the seeds maybe their home run numbers would have been more notable.”

The zinc contained in pumpkin seeds hadn’t only increased the muscular strength of the players due to the seeds’ propensity to produce streams of testosterone.

But they also affected the players’ complexion, giving them what Bunt describes as a “natural glow.”

“I could tell who was chewing on pumpkin seeds and who wasn’t just by scanning the bench between innings. It was odd.

The guys who ate the seeds always looked “camera ready.”

“And then you look at these guys posted on the cover of Sports Illustrated and it almost looks like they were airbrushed. Their skin was, for lack of a manlier term, flawless.”

The dapper appearance of the sluggers could also be attributed to zinc found in the seeds.

Superb skin is a side effect of zinc.

Basically, this nutrient balances skin oil production so that oily or dry complexions are never an issue, putting these players in a perpetual cycle of looking great and playing great – a luminary’s dream.

But these aren’t the only performance enhancing elements of pumpkin seeds.

Pumpkin seeds are rich in tryptophan, which keeps the players cool, calm and collected throughout the game.

Bunt noticed this in a 1998 meeting between the Rockies and the Cubs.

“As a bat-boy, I had a pretty good look at the players while they were at the plate.

I remember specifically watching Sosa in 4 at-bats against the Rockies.

He struck out on his first two at-bats, hit a home run on his third and struck out on his fourth, and every time his demeanor was exactly the same.

It’s almost like he didn’t care. Something about those pumpkin seeds kept him chill, consistently.”

“I mean, I never saw that from Mark Grace. But he also wasn’t on the seeds.”

The nutrients in pumpkin seeds regulate mood, giving these Golden Era sluggers an unfair advantage over their opponents (and teammates).

Simply put, less stress means more testosterone, and more testosterone means more strength. On every at-bat, these clear skinned brutes were bringing more testosterone to the plate than a 3-seam fastball knew what to do with. The outcome was inevitable.

Pumpkin seeds made baseball the most exciting game to watch in the late 90’s and early 2000’s.

Now that this long kept secret has been unearthed, ballparks are banning the sale of the seeds and have added a new function to the bat-boy’s job description.

Per the Oakland Athletics, the bat-boy is now required to “sweep the dugout for pumpkin seeds between innings.”  

After he published the names of those involved in the seed scandal, Bunt also confessed that he too has been chomping on “The Seed” in his co-ed, underhanded Softball league.

He confessed, “I’ve been chewing on this for a while now, but I finally had to spit it out. I’ve let my team down, but mostly, I’ve let myself down.”

He’s been suspended from participating in any Intramural Softball gameplay in Cook County, Illinois for the rest of the season and may have put his “walk” record that he accrued last season (22 walks) in jeopardy.

“He was incredibly calm at the plate last season. Almost indifferent,” said teammate Russ Ryan. “I guess it was the seeds.”

Bunt’s team, the Wexford Whackers, will have to find a way to manage the rest of the season without his .214 batting average.

He also led the team in Ground-Rule-Doubles with 3 over the team’s first nine games.

“I don’t know what baseball is going to look like after they ban the seeds,” says Bunt.

“But after my confession and tossing the seeds out of my life, I feel about ten pounds lighter.”